Why Your Bra Doesn't Fit & How To Fix That

If you missed my interview with bra coach Ali Cudby (part one, part two), then you probably didn't hear about her new book, Busted! The FabFoundations Guide To Bras That Fit, Flatter and Feel Fantastic -- or heard that there's a contest to win signed copies of the book. Well, now you know. *wink*

Today's the last day to enter.

Is Your Child's Social Life Taking Over Your Life? Help Is On The Way!

There's another new social networking site that's launched, and while the thought of another social site in beta may seem more like clutter on your horizon than exciting news, this one sounds more like a time saver than a time waster.

SocialToddler.com is a social networking site helping parents organize their children's social networks by offering a safe virtual meeting place to plan & schedule events as well as, if you're willing, meet other families in your area.

I gave the social network for parents a quick look-see and was impressed.

At Social Toddler you can organize regular playgroups and individual playdates as well as birthday parties and even grown-up only events. (Me likey that last one a lot because my kids, while too big for parental organized playdates, run me ragged with the plans they make themselves).

SocialToddler.com would also be great for families moving to new locations who want to plug-in to activities in their new communities. Divorced parents living outside of their child's neighborhood &/or who have placement time away from their child's usual neighborhood could use Social Toddler to stay in touch with their children's primary playgroups as well as find new playgroups for visitation times.

There are a lot of positive possibilities with SocialToddler.com, so I decided to ask founder (and father) Rich Rotzang some questions to address concerns parents of young children might have.

There a many mom &/or parenting social network sites, what need(s) did you see that weren't yet being met that SocialToddler.com addresses?

Social Toddler focuses very specifically on playgroups and other small groups comprised of parents who know each other. We know that these are small groups of moms (or dads), that meet regularly, have very active children, and share information constantly. In practical terms, we offer our members tools and resources to support their real world parenting needs - planning events, managing their schedules (and their kids’), and sharing information in a private setting.

In terms of social networking, we went into this with a fundamental belief that for parents, the true value of a "social network" is not in the size of that network, but the quality of the information that is derived from it. That’s why unlike other parenting social networks, we focus on relationships that are true in the real world.

I see that members have options regarding how much information about themselves and themselves they share, with whom they share it, and even not to share any information about their child(ren) at all. What about concerns of people posing as parents just to get access to real world groups and their meetings... Any plans to address this?

This is a valid concern and something that we take very seriously. One of the elements we've built into the site is a set of security features that minimizes this risk.

Groups have the option of setting their privacy level as public or private. If a group is private, a person can only join if they are invited by another member of the group, or ask to join and are accepted. Until then, they have no access to any of the discussions, photos, events or members of that group. In public groups, however, information is made available to encourage parents to meet one another, plan playdates, etc. We realize that our members may have concerns about such issues so we have brought on a safety expert to help educate our users on how to protect themselves and their children on the internet, and also to offer suggestions on how we can make our site safer.

Is membership free? Will it remain free? What plans do you have to monetize the site, aside from the Google Ads I see, in order to keep it open for members? I ask this for two reasons: One, Ning's recent announcement has put many in a tizzy -- and it's not just the community owners/moderators who are frustrated, but members losing their connections, contacts, etc. Two, people would prefer to know of future plans to place ads etc. rather than feel like they are sprung on them (or fear that it's a sign of funding problems, threatening their "home").

Yes membership is free, and we have no plans of charging for membership in the future. Besides advertising, we intend to monetize the site in a number of ways. I can't get into the details at the moment because our monetization plan is closely tied to our product roadmap.

I notice in your FAQ you address the issue of dads and state that "we will be adding features for dads too". What exactly are "features for dads"?

To clarify, what we mean by this is that we will be adding features that dads will also find useful. What we've found so far is that the majority of our members are women, and almost all playgroups are for women. But we also know that there are a lot of active dads out there and we want to give them a reason to visit our site. We will be introducing a number of features that appeal to both parents and will be useful, and targeted, to both moms and dads.

Since the network is in beta, what do you advise in cases where members will join and not find any other folks in their local, "real world," communities?

If members join and don't find a group in their area, we suggest they start one. It's super easy, 5 minutes or less. There's no better way to meet parents in your community than to start a group, invite a few friends and go from there. By listing their group on our site, it will also help other parents looking for local connections. Also, by users surfing the site, they will see the other kinds of public groups that are popular, and this will inspire them to create their own.

Are there, or do you have plans for, apps etc to sync the website to phones or other gadgets?

Absolutely. We are already integrated with Facebook, so users can log in with their Facebook credentials. We'll also be adding some really cool mobile apps in the future.

Anything you'd like to add?

Although right now the site seems like just another social network, we are actively working on launching many more very useful and unique features that will be available in the next few months. These features will contribute to creating what we hope will be the most useful, user friendly and resourceful site for parents online. We’re very excited about the future!

Thanks, Rich!

If you're a parent struggling to organize your child's playgroups and meetings -- if you're feeling like managing those events and details is nearly as exhausting as herding the small children at them -- you'll probably want to give Social Toddler a try.

SocialToddler.com would also be great for families moving to new locations who want to plug-in to activities in their new communities. Divorced parents living outside of their child's neighborhood &/or who have placement time away from their child's usual neighborhood could use Social Toddler to stay in touch with their children's primary playgroups as well as find new playgroups for visitation times.

Allison Bottke On Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children

An interview with Allison Bottke, author of Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents.

The book comes out of your own personal experience with your son. Please tell us about that.

ALLISON: For years I really thought I was helping my son. I wanted him to have the things I never had growing up. I love my son, and I didn’t want him to hurt—but sometimes pain is a natural result of the choices we make. For a long time I didn’t understand the part I was playing in the ongoing drama that had become my son’s life—I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to live in constant chaos and crisis because of his choices. When I chose to stop the insanity and start living a life of hope and healing my life changed. It’s a feeling I want other struggling parents and grandparents to experience. I want other parents to know that change is possible when we choose to stop the destructive cycle of enabling. And we can stop it. I know, because I’ve done it.

How can we determine whether we are helping versus enabling our children?

ALLISON: Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself.

Enabling is doing for someone things that he could and should be doing himself.

An enabler is a person who recognizes that a negative circumstance is occurring on a regular basis and yet continues to enable the person with the problem to persist with his detrimental behaviors. Simply, enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.

You say there are two separate yet intrinsically combined things going on when we look at the pathology of enabling our adult children, what are those two things?

ALLISON: #1. We have the issue of the dysfunctional child himself—the product of our enabling. Most often, we are dealing with adult children who have no concept of healthy boundaries as they pertain to their parents and grandparents. Many are dealing with addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, gambling, and more. Some of these children are involved in illegal activity, while others have been in and out of jail numerous times. Some are abusive to us. Some have jobs while others do not, most have extreme financial challenges. Others are still living at home, and some have even moved their spouse or “significant other” into their parents’ home with them. Many have been in and out of treatment centers, most often at the urging (and cost) of their parents. While we cannot change the behavior of our adult children, we can change how we respond to their actions and to their choices. We can, and must, begin to establish healthy boundaries and rules.

#2. Then, we have the issue of our own personal health and growth (or lack thereof.) For many of us, we have spent years taking care of, bailing out, coming to the rescue, making excuses for, crying over, praying for, and otherwise focusing an unhealthy amount of time and attention on this adult child, that we have neglected our own mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Many of us have neglected other family members as well, as the adult child has taken so much of our energy. Some of us are now experiencing severe financial ramifications from having enabled our adult child. Others are finding their marriage falling apart as tempers flair and situations spiral out of control. What is it inside us that makes us respond in such a way—that makes us enable our adult children?

You say the main problem with dysfunctional adult children isn’t the choice they make or don’t make – but something else entirely. If their choices aren’t the main problem, what is?

ALLISON: Our biggest problem isn’t about our adult child’s inability to wake up when their alarm clock rings, or their inability to keep a schedule, or their inability to hold down a job or pay their bills. It’s not about their drug use or alcohol addictions. It’s not about the mess they’re making of their life. The main problem is about the part we’re playing in stepping in to soften the blow of the consequences that come from the choices they make. The main problem is us. Instead of praying to God to stop the pain, remove the difficulty, or change the life of our adult child, we must rise up and pray for something entirely different. We must pray for the courage to look deep in our own heart and soul—pray for the strength to begin a journey that quite possibly may change our own life—and pray for the wisdom to make new choices in our own life.

What does this book accomplish that other books on the topic do not?

ALLISON: Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children will empower readers with a no holds barred six step S.A.N.I.T.Y. format, stating in black and white the parental behaviors that must STOP, along with identifying new habits to implement if change is to occur. Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children will identify the false conceptions parents believe about themselves and their adult children and will counter each lie of captivity with the truth that setting boundaries is not only a good thing—but a vital part of hope and healing. True stories from other enabling parents and grandparents are woven throughout the chapters. Discussions with and observations from licensed psychologists and psychiatrists are also included.

Is Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children applicable to readers who many not share the same faith journey as you?

ALLISON: Absolutely. As a Christian, I write from that perspective. I personally believe that a focus on God or on your Higher Power is vital in this healing process. However, the book is written in such a way as to appeal to people of all beliefs and denominations.

You say that enabling our children is “a nationwide epidemic with catastrophic consequences.” What has led you to believe this?

ALLISON: There is clearly an epidemic of major proportion plaguing our nation today. This has become obvious to me as I travel the country sharing my God Allows U-Turns testimony and outreach. Seldom does a week go by when I am not approached by someone in deep pain concerning their adult child. It’s not just audience members in conflict with this troubling issue, but fellow authors, speakers and entertainers, some quite well known, who are living in the throes of familial discord concerning out-of-control adult children. It’s happening all over the country to people from all walks of life.

I encourage your readers to tell me what they think about Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. I really do want to hear reader feedback. They can reach me at: SettingBoundaries@SanitySupport.com Please be sure to visit our web site at http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm where they will find additional resources for helping them on their road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. Remember to tell a friend in need and help save a life!